16

Jul

Apologies, the app/website should be back online shortly… we’re just running some routine maintenance on the server to ensure greater stability and fix some small bugs that were occurring with earlier builds of Internet Explorer …
FUCK. WHY THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING SERVER DOWN. WHERE IS THE DEV DUDE?!
Hi guys, sorry to be a pain but the client needs to know when we’re expecting the next piece of work through? I know it seems like they’re chasing up every day on this, but timings are really tight so if you could drop me an update that would be great. Thanks again!
I don’t trust you to hit this deadline… Hence I’m sending you an email like this every fucking day … 
No problems, I’ll get started on the [report / analysis / presentation] and hopefully have it to you by the end of play …
This definitely won’t be in your inbox until tomorrow lunchtime … 

THE DICTIONARY

BS:
Bug Fixing, CBT, Technical Direction, Database Maintenance, Server Maintenance
DEFINITION:
We're throwing a load of crap onto the invoice because we can ... The App / Website will probably still crash, but fuck it ... when that happens we'll blame it on Facebook or Twitter's API... or maybe a flying pony ...
When you’re about to go home and you realise there was a report due for the end of the day …

When you’re about to go home and you realise there was a report due for the end of the day …

Our dev team is fairly busy at the moment, I’ll go and speak to them after this call and see when we have some resource available …
Newsflash! We don’t have a dev team! The company we use in Shoreditch / India is busy at the moment. Let me give them a call and see when they’re free…

15

Jul

We’re going to work closely with your media agency to amplify the brand’s comms strategy in order to drive engagement and reach on Twitter …
We’re gonna do some Sponsored Tweets …
Just to caveat, these costings are topline estimates only and are subject to change based on proper scoping
I made these costs up, they’re complete bollocks …

When you tell me it’s going to take a day to make some copy changes

When you tell me it’s going to take a day to make some copy changes

14

Jul

Our agency has industry leading buzz-monitoring tools
We type your brand’s name into Brandwatch and Radian 6 …